Thursday, 3 March 2016

The Feedback-Scarred, Devotionless

This mermaid life. This silent Heaven. This scorched earth Afterworld where there are no limits, no rules, no Gods, no Monsters.

Everything that I know about human relationships I learned from books and movies. I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this post. I hope to touch on topics of relationships and sexuality, intrinsically linked with Autism as everything in my case is. I have been practicing intuitive journalling a lot lately. Just showing up to the page and seeing what happens. So I'll take that approach here. What happens happens.

Explicit content may occur. If the concept of adult autists having sexual interests isn't something you are comfortable reading, then don't read.

My relationships have always followed this general path... 

Me: Hi, I'm Jane. These are my fetishes, these are my limits.
You: Likewise, fetishes, limits.
Me: I see potential compatibility here. Plus you're cute *blushes*. How should we proceed?
You: Let us get together immediately and do all of these things we enjoy doing!
Me: Awesome!

Note the small talk, bullshit, general flap-doodle free approach! I know what I want, I assume you know what you want. Simple, logical aspie mating ritual. Except that I'm also a human, and humans are never simple.

So, this approach has yielded four relationships of varying duration thus far. And, with the obvious exception of the Bear, non of them yielded the infinity of companionship and good loving that Disney promised me. So maybe, in this post-apocalyptic, nihilistic morning-after we find ourselves in, it's time for a different approach?

Note that this is all theory at this point. I'm fully in love with myself for the first time in a very long time. Bear gave me the confidence to shine again. I have music, I have art, I have magic. I don't actually *need* a lover. Do I want one? Hell yes! But not need. And this is the first time I could truly say that. No longer ruled by my addictions. No longer defined by the value of my flesh.

And in the not needing, the wanting could be slower, safer. Less an act of desperation and fix-chasing. More a slow-burning quest type deal. I don't know. I haven't seen the movie yet I guess.

Friendship-building, web-weaving, community-forming continues steadily. I have been for coffee with a lovely lady in a beautiful Victorian brothel/club house styled suite of decadent tea-rooms and comfy leather armchairs. I have been to Southport for Edwardian lady days, with charity shops and tea. I continue to attend yoga and meditation classes. I continue to practice tarot and crystal magic and have been sharing a little more of that via instagram. I continue to meet my knitclub ladies and to socialise on Facebook via cross stitch and mental health groups.

I want to talk about adult stuff a lot more, so I suppose this is a start. My brain is full of vague ideas and Alice/Hatter erotica at present. Down with the March madness we go.

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