This post will contain graphic references to my lady-parts, so reader discretion is advised. It's probably too much information, consider yourselves warned!
It can't rain all the time, but it is raining today. And sometimes all I can do is rest and build a pillow-fort and wait for the sun to shine again. Naps are good. Hugs are awesome. Chocolate is my drug of choice.
It isn't really raining in Liverpool today. It's metaphorical rain made of feels and exhaustion and a general lack of spoons. And this photo is from November. When it was raining in Rodney Street and I was cold and anxious about my home situation and channeling Sarah from 'The Crow'.
My home situation has improved exponentially since November. Everything has. The world is so full of awesome and I am so so happy to be a part of it. But I still have bad days. Especially now that all of my practical problems have actually been solved. For the last few months I have been so busy fighting for every single thing I needed to actually survive that I didn't really have time for feels. And now I'm safe, which is amazing. And I am actually able to let my guard down and admit occassional weaknesses.
It's a theory of mine that Aspies are generally reluctant to ask for help. We are a proud and stubborn people, with a tendency to try to deal with things alone, and generally to fail and make a huge mess, rather than face the potential social awkwardness of asking for help. I do this so often, and I know its ridiculous, but I like to try.
I'm learning to ask though. Learning that its ok to show weakness, that I don't have to be awesome at all the things all of the time. Because sometimes I just can't. Sometimes I just don't have any energy and I just need hugs and naps. Sometimes I just can't quit picking my skin and I am learning to accept this and to be patient with myself. Because in the grand scheme of things I am doing really fucking awesome. And I have experienced some pretty shitty awfulness. And I'm doing the best I can.
My menstrual bleeding situation is kicking my butt badly this week. My theory is that I'm finally actually experiencing a real period, having been on hormonal contraception for 15 years. I quit my pills around six months ago and I'm thinking that my body has finally detoxed all of the shitty fake hormones and that I am actually potentially fertile and experiencing natural lady-cycles again. Perfect 28 day cycles, for the record. I know this because I track my bleeding in my planner, as you do.
I had a copper IUD fitted last month and, while the internet indicates that this might increase bloodshed volume and general pain levels, I call shenanigans. As a scientist, and as a lady-parts owner and enthusiast, I'm entirely convinced that the more copious bleeding and contractions are actually normal and caused by normal fertility cycle biology. The copper IUD doesn't actually affect lady fertility in any way, it just acts as a sperm-compromiser and implantation-blocker, so my body might (possibly) be producing viable eggs, and thus decides to fill my uterus with more bloody goodness to nourish and protect any potential demon-spawn. Which totally isn't happening, because copper, yay! So then my uterus has to contract really hard to push out all the extra blood. Yay, science!
I have zero problem with the whole bleeding thing, but it is stealing my energy at the moment, which is making my resistance of the compulsive skin picking so much harder. I know I just need to rest more and stop trying to do all of the things. Bleedy sick days are allowed <3
I'm slightly mad at myself for picking my face so much. I hate it, but it feels so good (it's my main stim, sadly), but I hate it. But I'm forgiving myself and moving on. Lots of baths and naps. Less compulsive cleaning. More sleeps. Definitely more cuddles. Taking all of the care <3