Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Ramblings About Recovery, Eating Disorder Stuff and Body Positivity

I struggled to pick a photo for this post. I went with the cute one, because it is my favourite. And the photo that most surprised me. I am amazed by how healthy and happy I look, and also actually am. And, while this guy is most certainly the right one, it is really not about finding the right dude. It's much more about avoiding the wrong dudes. And being your own best girlfriend <3

To quote my friend ninjachiken, "Somebody looks happy. Amazing what not having a shithead in your life will do". 

Yep. This is the happiest I have ever been. The cloud of impending doom I used to feel constantly is almost totally absent. I still have a lot of anxiety, mostly trauma relating, but I can feel it getting better all the time. I actually feel safe, and this space has allowed me to actually be myself fully, without any guilt or any worries about others opinions.

My health has improved so much this year! I'm eating foods! Way more kinds of foods than I would generally be comfortable with eating too. Diversity! As a recovering anorexic, and an autistic person, I have a super complicated relationship with food. I fucking love food, yes! Absolutely. But I have spent the majority of my adult life letting the balance between eating and exercise control me. Anorexia was always about numbers and ritual for me. I had a number of calories I could eat per day, a number of steps I needed to take to burn off said calories. A super secret magic number which was the absolute maximum I could tolerate weighing.

We weighed me on Sunday. I weight significantly more than that number. I am a healthy weight for my height, according to BMI maths (which I don't feel is a helpful gauge of a persons nutritional/lifestyle health, for the record). And, as always, I do not mention numbers on this blog. Numbers can get in the sea.

These days I am learning to eat because I'm hungry, rather than because the clock says it's time for food. I treat food very differently. It used to be an illicit treat, almost an addiction for me. I would fantasize about food constantly while going out of my way to actually avoid eating it.

And today I see food in a much more positive light. I still obsessively fucking love eating. I do still occasionally binge eat. Gluttony is my sin of choice, and I do see food as an almost sexual indulgence experience. Especially milk chocolate <3. It's a very tactile, orally fixated experience. Not so much about the taste but all of the sensations. If it feels fucking awesome I see no reason to deny myself.

But... I am not binge eating all the time, it's definitely an actual legit treat now. And I absolutely don't purge anymore, ever!

I still have fairly restrictive food preferences. I like cheese and carbs, peanut butter and bacon. I am not too good at fruit and veg. Or meat that looks like parts of animals (I like minced beef based meat situations best). But I'm trying the things! I'm eating ham voluntarily now, rather than just cheese in my toasted sandwiches. And I am eating significantly less cereal! I still like to claim that multivitamins are a valid replacement for a balanced diet. We are working on this ;)

Biggest change... I am working out properly! Not just obsessively walking! The biggest inspiration has been my recently discovered love of Pro-Wrestling :) I had been doing yoga regularly since January, but I now also work out at the park gym a couple of times a week and am doing a lot more exercise and yoga at home too. It makes me feel so much more relaxed and happy and I am finally learning to feed my body the food it needs to grow stronger and healthier. Because I love my body, it is fucking awesome <3.

Here's the thing... I am so sick and tired of hearing people make comments about other people's bodies. Specifically, people voicing there opinions, with good or bad intentions, about another person's size. It is never a good idea to make an unsolicited comment about another person's size. Maybe you could say they look cool, or you like the way they dress, or that they have awesome hair, but body size is way too sensitive and potentially triggering an issue to fuck with, unless you know the person well and know that your comments would help them.

I hear 'you're so tiny, you should eat more', all the time. I am eating. I am in recovery. It's hard, but I'm strong, my sense of self-love is unbreakable, and I'm recovering. But food is still hard, really hard. Eating in front of other people is uncomfortable. I'm a social creature, so I love family meals and such, but it's not easy for me.

These days I am completely open about my ED issues. I used to feel a bit bad about this. Like, what if my mentioning my anorexia makes people feel bad. But fuck that noise. I will never again feel any shame about discussing my health problems. Other people's comfort is not more important than my personal health and safety.

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