I'm sitting down to write this post in an effort to break out of a dermatillomania binge my brain and hands seem determined to continue indefinitely this afternoon. I figure it might help to write it out, and typing seems easier than finding my journal right now. Because I just want to stop fucking picking!
It always starts innocently enough. I notice a bump in my skin, or a hair where a hair ought not to be. I have long-standing issues with hair caused by childhood abuse situations. As I'm a pasty Irish girl with dark hair I can actually see my hairs growing under my skin, no matter how much I shave, and this is a huge trigger for me. I also tend to scan my skin, my face in particular, for errant texture anomalies.
I have been doing really really well lately. Zero picking binges. Generally pretty good skin. Scarred to hell but actually happy with my scars. It's more the time I waste with picking that bothers me. And also how much my face hurts and the fact that it makes me too anxious about my appearance to go outside sometimes. My face picking I particularly hate.
The last few days my derma has been pretty bad, particularly today. I'm pretty sure its due to lady hormones. I am less resistant to gluttony of all kinds when I am menstruating, and, at its root, dermatillomania is a type of gluttony for me. I would much rather be eating all the things, or indulging in other, healthier sensual stimming behaviour. But the picking is so deeply ingrained in my muscle memory that it is almost impossible to redirect the urges at times. And it sucks. And I hate it. But it also feels really really good, as all stims do, so it's difficult. Very difficult.
Stopping mid-binge brings other problems. As soon as I stop picking I know that I need to clean my wounds, but cleaning results in further examination of my skin, which generally triggers me to pick some more. And I enter an endless cycle of repetitive picking and cleaning. I'm using antibacterial wipes and sudocreme these days. So far my infection issues are being kept under control but it does worry me.
The best thing I can do is just sleep the urges off, but I find this hard to submit too, because I want to do things, and I always think I can beat the urges on my own. But I can't sometimes. Need to learn to just put my hands down and take myself for a nap.
But I'm typing right now and thus not picking. And once I'm done here I'll go out to buy milk and bananas. And then maybe a nap. And Vivbot cuddles.
Trying to be patient with myself when I slip. I have been doing this my whole life and I know that I am mostly doing good. Just running very low on energy these days and need to take better care of myself.